


Razorblades & Bandaids

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-20
Updated: 2003-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:59:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin have their first conversation after the break-up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

“I miss you, more than words could ever say  
I miss you, every single empty day  
Did you think this would be easy, my friend  
Did you think it’d come to this, our bitter end?  
Killed the magic  
Sucked the life out  
Buried me under the blame…  
Follow me down, to this our bitter end…”  
-Econoline Crush

 

“Jesus, Taylor, look what you’ve been reduced to?” Justin laughed through his tears and the rain that was soaking through his clothes and chilling his skin. “Standing outside your ex boyfriend’s apartment, in the rain, in the middle of the night.”

“Such a cliché.” A familiar voice behind him said. 

Justin groaned inwardly and turned to see Brian, also wet from the rain standing behind him. “Uhm, hi.” He said, keeping his eyes on Brian’s shoes as apposed to his face.

“Hi.” Brian laughed and pushed a hand through his wet hair. “You look freezing. Why don’t you come in and dry off. I’ll make some coffee.”

“Uhm…”

“I’m not going to ravage you, Sonny Boy.” Brian laughed.

Justin looked at his former lover for several long moments, deep in his eyes. What he saw there startled him. He saw that Brian wasn’t as comfortable with the situation as he appeared.

“I should head home.” Justin said, afraid that he and Brian would finally have “the talk” if he went upstairs. They had both been actively avoiding having that talk. You know, the one where you hash out why the relationship ended, and what went wrong.

“Where is home these days?”

“Back at Deb’s.” Justin said. “She… uh… She’s been great. Still like a mother.”

“Yeah…” Brian nodded. “Does she know you’re out at this hour? On a school night?”

“I don’t go back for another two weeks.” Justin reminded the older man.

“Oh. I just assumed you were back because the check was due last week.” Brian took Justin’s hand. “Listen, come inside. It’s cold and wet and disgusting out here.”

So Justin did as he was told. He could never say no to Brian. Whenever Brian asked, Justin gave him anything he wanted. Once inside, Justin looked around the place where he lived for nearly a year. It still seemed like home, more of a home than he had ever known. That thought scared him.

“Uhm, go on into the bathroom and dry off. If you want you can grab some dry clothes out of the closet. Just hang yours up.” Brian looked nervous. “I’ll… uhm… make some coffee…”

“Ok.” Justin walked up the stairs to the bedroom. Being back in that room, the room where he had lost his virginity and spent so many nights in Brian’s arms, brought back more memories than he could handle. He hurried into the bathroom and firmly closed the door.

~

Brian sat down at the counter as the coffee brewed and put his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking when he had insisted that Justin come upstairs. He supposed that seeing Justin cold, and obviously crying, had tugged at his heart.

Why does he do this to me? Brian asked himself. Why does he always smash my guard down?

“Thanks.” Justin said coming out of the bedroom. “For the clothes, I mean.”

“No problem.” Brian turned back to the coffee pot, not wanting to see Justin wearing his clothes, hair wet and going in all different directions. “Uhm, the coffee is almost ready.”

“You didn’t have to do this, Brian.” Justin came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Brian flinched away from the gentle touch.

If I kissed you, would you push my face away  
If I told you how I feel, would you have listened anyway

“Sugar?” Brian offered, turning around with a cup of coffee in his hand. Justin nodded sadly and took the mug, his fingers brushing Brian’s slightly during the exchange.

“So, how have you been these days?” Brian asked, as he took his coffee mug into the living room and sat down on the couch, expecting Justin to follow. Brian was beginning to wonder whether inviting Justin up had been a good idea.

“I’ve been alright.” Justin shrugged, arriving in the living a few moments behind Brian, and sitting down across from his ex lover in a chair. “I’m not working at the diner anymore.”

“I heard that.” Brian nodded. “Where are you now?”

The conversation was awkward. Both men had things that they badly wanted to say, but refrained, afraid to be the one to start the talk. Instead of telling Brian that he was miserable without him, Justin replied, “At Luciano’s. It’s a pizza place downtown.”

“Yeah, I know the one.” Brian nodded. “And how’s your boyfriend?” It killed him to ask the question, but he needed to know where Justin stood with the homely little fiddle player.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Justin said, finally looking Brian square in the eye. “Ethan lasted all of five minutes.”

“Oh.” Brian was reeling. It was beginning to seem, to him, like Justin hadn’t left him for another guy, he’d just left him.

“It was a mistake.”

Brian decided that he didn’t like where the conversation was headed and took control. He put on the “Brian Kinney – Uncaring Asshole” mask and with a shrug said, “We all make ‘em.”

“Yah.” Justin looked down into his mug and faded into his thoughts. What the hell am I doing here? Did I think Brian would open his arms for me to jump into and everything would go back to the way it was? I have to leave.

“Can I ask you something?” Brian asked, tossing the mask aside. 

“Of course.” Justin said, brought out of his thoughts.

“What did I do to make you unhappy?” Brian had to fight to keep his voice level, to keep some semblance of control.

“You didn’t do anything. We just… We wanted different things.” Justin choked on the words.

“That’s bullshit, Justin!” Brian exploded, slamming his mug down on the table causing coffee to splash all over the surface. “We wanted different things? How about ‘It wasn’t you, it was me’? Or ‘I need to focus on my career right now’?”

“Brian…”

“You didn’t give me any truth then, give it to me now. What the hell was so fucked up in our relationship that you had to leave?”

“I wanted you to love me, Brian! And I needed you to fight for me!” Justin was equally upset now.

“And if I had fought? If I had begged you to stay? If I had kicked the shit out your little fiddler? What then? Would you still be here with me?” Brian was standing stock still.

“Yes!” Justin exploded. “You never seemed to fucking care! You wouldn’t even admit that we were in a relationship! And you sure as hell never told me that you loved me!”

If I touched you, would you push my hand away  
If I’d listened, would I have heard the things that made me run away

“Neither did you!” Brian and Justin were nose to nose now. “You stopped telling me somewhere around the time that I…” Brian trailed off, needing for those words not to come out. He couldn’t say ‘around the time that I fell in love with you.’

“The time that you what?” Justin’s voice softened.

“Never mind.” Brian turned away and walked to the kitchen. He grabbed a wad of paper towels and returned to the living room to clean up the spilt coffee.

“You’re right.” Justin said quietly after the silence had dragged on for several minutes. Brian turned and looked at Justin curiously, but didn’t say a word. “I stopped saying it… sometime before my prom.”

Brian nodded, but still kept silent. Both men stood there for long moments.

Brian took a deep breath and decided that he was ready to open himself to Justin more than he had ever opened himself to anyone before. He figured that the younger man deserved to know.

“That last night, the last time I held you in our bed, I wanted so badly to tell you. I was even going to. But then I stopped myself. I closed my eyes and I went to sleep.” Brian broke the eye contact with Justin to stare at the large bed, lit by the neon blue lights.

One fleeting moment  
I would have hoped I could stay

The silence stretched on and on as Brian and Justin both let the words sink in. Both men were shocked at the turn their angry conversation had taken, and weren’t sure how to continue.

“We let it get really fucked up, didn’t we?” Brian said with a nervous chuckle, breaking the silence.

“We sure did.” Justin agreed sadly.

“I’m exhausted.”

“I’ll call a cab.” 

“It’s shitty outside. Call Deb. Tell her you’re crashing on my couch.” Brian waited for Justin to nod before nodding in return and walking silently up the stairs to the bedroom.

Later, when the loft was dark and silent, Brian and Justin both lay awake, eyes open, wheels turning. Both of them wondered how they got to where they were. How they had taken something that was sure pure, love, and made it into something so ugly and resentful.

 

I miss you more than words can ever say  
I miss you every single, empty day


	2. Chapter 2

Justin POV

I’m laying in the dark trying to remember a time when I wasn’t in love with Brian Kinney. I can’t. I know that there was a time, I can even remember things that happened before I met Brian. Problem is, I can’t remember me then. Sure, I know I was there… but it seems like I really only started to live when Brian came into my life. It’s funny how things change like that, how people change like that.

At seventeen I was about as green as they come. I don’t really remember what gave me the courage to leave the quiet and safety of my posh suburban neighborhood and venture into the unknown, but somehow I did it. And, looking back, it was probably the best thing I ever did. Brian was the first person I was really comfortable being myself around. There’s something about him that screams “You’re safe with me”. From the moment Brian spoke to me, I was hooked.

I don’t know how I had the strength to fight for him. I’m pretty sure that most people would give up on him a lot sooner than I did. Hell, now that I think about it, most people DO give up on him. All the tricks who want another night with Brian scurry when he commands it. 

I never scurried… 

Not until Ethan came along. I guess you could say he was the wrong guy at the right time. He said everything that I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it. I can’t believe I really fell for it. I thought that I was smarter than that. 

Guess not…

And here I am. In the middle of the night I’m asleep at Brian’s once again… but this time I’m on the couch. In our relationship, Brian told me to sleep on the sofa more than once. I never stayed there. I always slipped into bed with him and he never told me to go back to the couch… I wonder if he would tonight…

***

Brian POV

I can practically hear the wheels turning out there. I know he isn’t asleep. I always knew when he was pretending to be asleep. He would do that sometimes after we’d argued. He liked to pretend that he could care less. I knew better. There’s a little sighing sound that he makes when he’s really asleep. 

I wonder what he’s thinking about…

I can’t believe I asked him to stay. I don’t know where my mind goes when it comes to that boy. Ever since that first night, it’s like he’s had me by the balls. I brought him to the fucking hospital when Gus was born, no other trick would have been given the same treatment. 

Even now, when I know I’m in love with him for real, I can’t figure out why. He’s nothing like the guys I’m normally attracted to. He’s cute and sweet. Before him, I never liked cute and sweet. And then there he was, blond and blue eyed and he seemed perfect to me. And the next thing I knew, I was in a relationship.

It felt like everyone was laughing at me. Even my friends. They think I didn’t hear them when they were making bets on how long Justin and I would last. I heard. And I believed them. I believed that I really couldn’t do it. Because they weren’t betting on how long Justin would last, but how long before I fucked him over. 

I wonder who won the bet.

After Justin was gone, it seemed like everyone except Michael was mad at me, everyone else thought I must have done something to make him leave. And I guess I believed that myself. 

I just wasn’t there when he needed me to be, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t give him what he needed.

So now he’s out there and I’m in here… I wonder if that’s a metaphor for our entire relationship… It was like he was just outside but I wouldn’t let him in. Jesus, Kinney, you’re starting to sound like some therapy queen.

I could always invite him in here… I wonder if he would come…


	3. Chapter 3

Brian awoke and smelled his most favorite smell. He smiled; eyes still closed, and decided that he could be a millionaire if he bottled Justin's scent and sold it. But he wasn't willing to share. Still smiling, Brian opened his eyes to make sure it was real. It was. Justin was curled aggainst him, sighing in his sleep, smiling. 

I wonder what he's dreaming... he thought to himself. 

Running a hand up the younger man's arm, Brian sighed a similar sigh to Justin's. Never in his life had Brian felt skin as smooth as Justin's. It felt like silk. Every night since Justin left, Brian thought of the boy as soon as he slipped his dark silk robe on. He remembered lying with Justin in his arms on the couch watching some old movie or another late nights. Justin loved old movies. Brian smiled at the memory. 

"Mmmm..." Justin made the small sound and snuggled closer to Brian. "Morning." He seemed to forget that anything had ever changed between the two of them. 

"Morning, Sunshine." Brian grinned and stroked the boys hair, not willing to let the moment go, not willing to go back to being awkward with the younger man. He felt it the exact moment when Justin came completely out of his sleep drugged state. He stiffened. Brian decided it was time to let go. 

"Oh man..." Justin breathed and then chuckled. "Well, it's this a blast from the past." 

"Yup." Brian pushed his hand through his hair. "We should get up. I'll drop you at Deb's on my way to work." 

While they were dressing, Justin stopped and walked up behind Brian, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Brian..." He whispered. When Brian turned, Justin pressed a hand to the man's cheek. "Thank you." With those words, he reached up and kissed the older man lightly. 

The kiss, which was intended to be soft, a sort of goodbye, changed slowly. Both men began slowly kissing with a little more passion until they were wrapped in each other's arms with their entire bodies touching. When the intense kiss ended, they stared into each other's eyes. 

"Justin..." Brian breathed, leaning his forehead against Justin's. "Is this the end again?" 

"I don't want it to be." Justin said quickly, before he chickened out. 

"Me neither." Brian couldn't believe that he was saying those words. He'd had every intention of throwing Justin out and calling in closure. What he hadn't factored in was that he didn't want it to be over with his   
"Sunshine". 

"When... when can I see you again?" 

"Tonight? Babylon?" Brian suggested. "I'll buy you a drink." 

"K." Justin smiled. He wrapped his arms around the older man... It really felt like things were going to get better. 

*** 

"Justin is coming here tonight? To meet Brian?" Ted asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't tell me the Brian and Justin show got renewed for another season!" 

"Oh, they'll have at least two more." Emmett said with a knowing grin. "Brian and Justin are Liberty's own star-crossed lovers." 

"Jeez... I thought we were done with the drama..." Ted shook his head. 

"What drama?" Michael asked with a goofy smile as he arrived. 

"Brian and Justin have a date here tonight." Emmett said, fanning himself. "Looks like we're in for another good show." 

"What? Brian is actually taking that little liar back?" Michael got a sour look on his face, the same one he always got when Brian and Justin were mentioned in the same sentence. 

"Come on, Michael, you're too hard on him. Can you imagine what it must have been like putting up with Brian 24/7?" Ted defended Justin. 

"Aww, thanks, Ted." Brian smacked the man upside the head as he arrived. "Nice to know that I'm still the hot topic of gossip with you three queens." 

"Is it true?" Michael asked, crossing his arms across his chest. 

"Is what true?" Brian asked as he signaled the bartender to get him his usual, Beam on ice. 

"You're meeting Justin here tonight?" 

"Yup." Brian replied, looking uninterested. "Not that it's any of your business. How'd you know anyways." 

"Oh, we know all." Emmett had a knowing gleam in his eye. 

"He called you to ask what to wear, didn't he?" Brian shook his head, and knew that he was right. "I can't even imagine what he'll show up here wearing." 

"Oh, honey. He is going to look fabulous!" Emmett raised his arms in a flourish. 

"Who looks fabulous?" Justin asked with a smile, joining the group at the bar. 

"You, dahling." Emmett leaned down and kissed Justin's cheek. "Oh, I was so right about that shirt." Brian couldn't have agreed more. Justin looked amazing in a tight baby blue sleeveless t-shirt and black pants. 

"What do you think?" Justin asked, looking at Brian with a cute smile on his face. 

"Dance." Brian grabbed Justin's arm and led him to the dancefloor. As they danced, Justin smiled. He couldn't believe that Brian was so willing to give him another chance. "How could you?" 

"What did I do?" 

"You wore that! You know how sexy you look in baby blue!" Brian nipped at Justin's neck. "Did you know that I'd wanna take you back to the loft immediately?" 

"I hoped." Justin smiled. 

"You are absolutely evil." Brian took his hand. "Let's go." 

"Already? You didn't buy me a drink yet." Justin smiled sweetly, doing his best to torture Brian. 

"You're trying to kill me!" 

"Nope. But you promised me a drink and some dancing. I want that drink and a lot more dancing. And then we can go back to the loft and you can have me any way you want me." Justin grabbed the back of Brian's head and pulled him into a passionate kiss. 

*** 

"Well, that was fast." Ted shook his head. 

"I think it's romantic. They've been apart for so long that they just need each other." Emmett brushed a tear from his eye. 

"You are such a sap." Ted shook his head. "They'll go back to the loft and it'll be an exact repear of last year." 

"I dunno, Teddy. I think those two have some surprises in store for us." 

*** 

"Well, I must say, that was the best time I've had in months." Justin giggled as they drove back to the loft. 

"Me too." Brian smiled, caught up in Justin's enthusiasm.

“I’ve never seen you like this.” Justin smiled, but looked at Brian curiously. “You keep on surprising me.”

“Yeah? Well, this is the new Brian Kinney.” Brian wasn’t as confident about the changes he was making as he appeared. He was actually terrified, but also determined to make his relationship with Justin work.

“I’ll have to get used to it.” Justin reached over and took Brian’s hand. “Is this okay?” Brian nodded, smiling.

“I can’t wait to get you back to the loft.” Brian whispered when they were stopped at a light. “I’m gunna hold you to your promise.”

“Which promise?” Justin asked raising an eyebrow.

“The promise that after the dancing and drinking I could have you any way I wanted you.” Brian grinned.

“Ooh, I can’t wait to see what you have in mind.” Justin smiled.

***

Later that night, as Brian and Justin lay in bed together, exhausted from their activities, Justin spoke. “Brian, this is more than just a fuck, right?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“I dunno. I guess I just wanted to hear it.” Justin shrugged and rolled over to his side of the bed. Brian moved just as quickly and spooned behind Justin.

“Can you promise me something?” Brian asked, feathering kisses on Justin’s naked back.

“Sure. Anything.” Justin nodded enthusiastically.

“Promise me that if you start to doubt me, to doubt what we have, that you’ll talk to me about it. Promise me that you won’t tell everyone but me until it’s too late.” Brian pressed his head into the crevice between Justin’s head and shoulder.

“Only if you promise me the same thing.” Justin said quietly.

“Deal.” Brian ran his hand down Justin’s stomach. “One more time?”

“Jeez!” Justin giggled as Brian tickled the skin around his cock. “Where did all this energy come from, old man?”

“Old man!” Brian flipped Justin onto his back. “Let’s see who’s an old man!” For the next three hours the two men tried and tried to one up each other and tried to prove who was more energetic. In the end, the both collapsed to the bed and fell asleep, exhausted.

***

“Coffee.” Brian grumbled as he and Justin sat in the boys regular booth at the diner.

“Make it two.” Justin replied, equally exhausted.

“Well, isn’t this déjà vu?” Debbie chuckled. “You two back to fucking the night away together?”

“Less questions, more coffee.” Brian replied. With a knowing grin, Debbie walked behind the counter to grab the coffee.

Once Brian and Justin were seated alone sipping their coffee, Brian spoke. “I guess you should stay at Deb’s tonight?”

“Probably. You’ll need a good night’s sleep. You have work tomorrow.” Justin reached across the table. “Call me before bed though?”

“Of course.” Brian smiled and squeezed Justin’s hand back.


	4. Chapter 4

Justin looked down at the sketch he was holding in his lap. He had never drawn a portrait of Brian looking so happy. Justin smiled. The previous night had made both of them happy, happier than they had ever been together. Dancing together at Babylon, stirring up gossip, all of it had been immensely fun for the two.

Suddenly, stirring Justin from his happy thoughts, his cell phone rang. "Hello?" He answered, hoping that it was Brian calling like he had promised to.

"Hey, Sunshine." Brian's voice came through, and Justin could tell that the older man was smiling.

"Hey. I was hoping it was going to be you."

"Sitting by the phone anxiously awaiting my call?" Brian teased.

"Always." Justin teased back. "I was just doing some sketching."

"On your computer?"

"No, by hand. I've been working on my coordination a lot lately." Justin was very proud of the fact that his hand was almost back to normal and it didn't tire him out to sketch anymore.

"Congratulations." Justin could hear a mixture of relief and pride in Brian's voice. "Do you still use your computer at all?"

"Well, I've been working on some graphic design stuff on it." Justin explained. "I'm thinking of taking some advertising art classes this year."

"Really? Would that be because you have someone in your life who would be willing and able to help you in the advertising department?" Brian was really in a playful mood and Justin was beginning to wonder what it was that caused the mood.

"Perhaps." Justin replied cryptically. "So, what'd you do tonight?"

"Dinner with the Munchers and my son. And then I went to Woody's with the boys. You'll be happy to know that you were the hot topic of conversation." 

"Oh yah?"

"Yah, seems our performance at Babylon last night set the queer community abuzz." Brian was chuckling. He always loved being the center of attention.

"I think we're starting to confuse people." Justin laughed. "We're the ultimate in on and off."

"Let's try and stay on this time, though." Brian's voice became a little more serious.

"Sounds good to me." Justin agreed. "Guess you'd better get to sleep. Work tomorrow."

"Ok, mom." Brian teased. "Do you want to have dinner tomorrow night?"

"Like a date?"

"Something like that." Brian groaned.

"Of course." Justin smiled. "I'll call you at the office tomorrow and we'll make plans."

"Okay. Nightie night, Sunshine."

"Night, Bri."

~Click~

Justin leaned back against his pillows and smiled. Everything seemed right with the world. As he drifted off to sleep he thought back to a time when he thought that things wouldn't work out with Brian and he almost laughed. He was really starting to believe that no matter what happened he and Brian would find their way back to each other... they always had so far.

***

"Brian, Michael is on line 2." Cynthia buzzed.

"Tell him I'm busy." Brian growled. His day was going from bad to worse with every campaign that was given to him for approval and he had a million mistakes to fix before they were presented at various points later in the week.

"He said it's urgent." Cynthia said, amusement in her voice.

"Fine. Put him through." Brian picked up the phone. "You have thirty seconds, Mikey."

"Hey, Brian!" Michael sounded cheerful. 

"I said thirty seconds." Brian rubbed his temples.

"Well, what I was calling for was to see if you wanted to meet me at the diner for dinner. Just the two of us. We haven't done that in too long." Michael sounded one part hopeful, one part whiney.

"This was what you interrupted my very important work for?? This is what was urgent?" Brian was very obviously angry.

"Sorry, Bri. I just figured that if I didn't talk to you now, you'd already have plans with Boy Wonder for tonight." Michael was now very, very whiney.

"Well, you're already too late. He and I made plans last night." Brian's anger was now becoming just irritation.

"Oh." Michael said with disappointment. "Well, I guess I'll talk to you later then."

"Bye, Mikey." Brian didn't have time to try and make Michael feel better. He hung up the phone and got back to work. When Cynthia brought him some papers he had requested, he said. "No phone calls. Except Justin."

"Justin?" Cynthia raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Justin." Brian shook his head. "Maybe if you're a really nice assistant, I'll fill you in on all the gossip once I get these shitty things to resemble actual ad campaigns."

"Right, boss." Cynthia saluted teasingly and retreated from the office.

Two hours later, Brian was still reworking one of the campaigns and his stress level was very, very high. Suddenly, Cynthia knocked on the door. "Brian, you have a visitor."

"Cynthia!" Brian barked. "I said no calls except Justin! That means visitors too!" Brian pushed his fingers through his hair. 

"Well, then I did nothing wrong." Cynthia pushed the door open further and Justin walked in. "Justin Taylor is here to see you." With that, Cynthia left and closed the door.

"I'll only stay a minute." Justin said, looking sheepish. "I called earlier and Cynthia said that you were in a mood and that you were really busy. So I brought you some lunch. Brown rice and steamed vegetables from that place you like."

Brian smiled slightly and stood from his desk. He walked around and took the paper bag from Justin, placing it on his desk. "Thank you, baby. I didn't mean to be a bitch." He slipped his arms around Justin and pulled him into a hug.

"Awww... I love the bitch in you." Justin smiled and hugged Brian back. Brian realized how mean he had been to Mikey and made a decision.

"Baby, would you mind if we went for dinner tomorrow instead?" Brian felt a little bad about asking to cancel on Justin, but wanted to make sure that Mikey was all right.

"Not at all. Gunna work late?" Justin asked, leaning back and looking into Brian's eyes.

"Actually, Michael called this morning. I think he's a bit insecure now that you and I are back together." Brian ran his hand up and down Justin's back. 

"Sure, Bri." Justin said, though he felt a little jealous at Brian spending the evening with Michael instead of himself. "But you better make it up to me tomorrow." He teased, taking a little nibble at Brian's neck.

"I promise." Brian leaned down and kissed the younger man. 

"Now, you get back to work. And call the florist to send Cynthia some flowers." Justin winked. "Gotta keep her happy. She’s a damn good assistant. And call me later."

"Of course." Brian smiled. "Thanks for lunch."

"Anytime!" Justin held onto Brian's hand for as long as he could as he slowly backed away, and their fingers slowly slipped apart. "Later."

"Later." Brian smiled as Justin closed the door. As he munched on his steamed broccoli and cauliflower, he called Mikey's comic book store. When Michael answered, Brian said, "Hey, loser." He said in an endearing way.

"Thought you were busy." Michael was obviously still angry about the earlier phone call.

"Well, I rescheduled some stuff. So how about dinner tonight, just me and you, at the diner?" Brian suggested, laying on the charm to make Michael feel better.

"Really? What about Boy Wonder?"

"He and I are gunna have dinner tomorrow." Brian said. "So I'm all yours tonight."

"Great!" Michael was suddenly happy and excited. Brian had a mental picture of Michael doing a cheesy victory dance around the store. "What time?"

"Seven-thirty?" Brian suggested.

"I'll meet you there."

***

"Boss." Cynthia said, stepping into his office. "I'm heading home. It's five o'clock."

"Alright, Cynthia. I'm going to take off too. There's nothing more I can do with this mess that those idiots call a campaign tonight." Brian stood and stretched before grabbing his jacket and slipping it on.

"Seeing Justin tonight?" Cynthia asked. With that, a smile spread across Brian's face.

"Yes, I think I will." He hurried out of the office and into his jeep. When he pulled up in front of Deb's, he was thrilled that he had decided to leave work early. He could take Justin over to the loft and they could have some playtime together before he had to meet Michael for dinner.

"Brian, what are you doing here?" Justin asked when he opened the door. He had been sitting in the living room watching Trading Spaces when the doorbell rang.

"Get your coat." Brian said after kissing Justin swiftly. "I wanna have some quality time with you before I have dinner with Mikey." Justin hurriedly grabbed his coat and they were off to the loft for playtime.

In the Jeep, Justin was all over Brian, attacking his neck, biting and kissing. "I'm so glad you came and got me." He mumbled against the soft skin of Brian's neck.

"Mmm... Me too." Brian said as he pressed his foot harder on the gas, eager to get Justin back to the loft and into bed.

***

"You're gunna be late." Justin said, lifting his mouth off Brian's dick. The two had gotten so caught up in their playful foreplay that time had passed quickly.

"Mikey can wait." Brian groaned, pushing Justin's head down gently, urging him to go back to what he was doing.

Justin happily went back to what he was doing, causing Brian to arch his back and curl his toes into the mattress. When Justin started humming, Brian moaned out loud. "Fuuuuuuuck!! I love when you do that!"

"I know..." Justin stopped the job he was doing on Brian's dick and began kissing his hard stomach and up to his nipples. "You have the sexiest body." Brian didn't respond, he just closed his eyes and concentrated on the sensations that Justin's mouth on his body was causing.

... Meanwhile....

"Where the fuck is he?" Michael impatiently looked at his watch again. 7:45. "Why can't he be on time... Just once..." Michael was pacing and he stepped out onto the street.

"WATCH OUT!!!" A voice called out to him. He turned towards the voice and saw the look of horror on the man standing across the street's face. The man was pointing. When Michael turned to where the man was pointing he only had a moment to see the City Bus coming at him before he was struck.

"Someone call an ambulance!" The man called, running over to where Michael lay, already in a pool of his own blood.

"What happened?" Debbie asked, running from the diner after hearing a commotion outside.

"Deb..." The man kneeling next to Michael's body stood and ran over to her. "You don't want to..." Before he could finish telling her not to look, she saw who was lying on the ground and fell to her knees wracked with sobs.

... Meanwhile...

"Come on, you have to go meet Michael. He'll hate me forever if he finds out I'm the reason you're late." Justin threw some clothes at Brian and rushed him along. 

"I'll just tell him something came up." Brian shrugged. "No big deal."

"To him, it will be a big deal." Justin chuckled as he pulled his pants on. "You're already 20 minutes late..."

"So he can sit at the counter and whine to Deb. When I walk in she'll give me that look that she gives me every time I fuck something up. I'll make up something about being stuck in the office and all will be well again."

"You're gunna lie to him?" Justin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"A little white lie never hurt anyone." Brian said as he did the last button on his shirt up. "Will you wait here so I can see you when I get home?"

"Of course." Justin smiled. "I'll find something to eat in your fridge and watch some DVD's." He reached up and kissed Brian on the lips. "Later."

"Later." Brian smiled and walked out of the loft. He hadn't meant to be late to meet Michael, but when he got Justin in bed, time ceased to exist.

...Meanwhile...

Debbie held Michael's hand during the ambulance ride. The paramedics were working on him the whole time, supplying him with oxygen and trying to stop the bleeding. "You have to wake up, Michael. You have to." She kept chanting. 

She was terrified of losing her only son. She listened to the paramedics as they tried different ways of keeping Michael alive. Trying to block it out, she leaned down close to Michael’s ear and started talking to him quietly.

“Baby, I know you got it in you to make it through this. You’re my son. You’re strong. We come from a line of people who were fighters, people who looked death in the face and scoffed.” Debbie bit back a sob, and continued speaking. “What would we do without you? You can’t die. You can’t. There are too many people who need you. Think of all your friends who love you and need you.

“Emmett and Ted would never be the same without the third Muskequeer. They need you. And Brian, who may be a shit most of the time, he needs you baby. He always had and he always will. And then there’s Uncle Vic, he loves you so much, baby. And he needs you around. You make him remember when he was young, and that makes him smile.

“And then there’s me, Michael, I need you more than any of them. You’re my baby. My only baby.” Deb brought his hand to her lips and kissed him gently. “So that’s it then, you can’t die, there are too many people here who need you.”

 

... Meanwhile ....

Brian parked the Jeep across the street from the diner and saw that there were a bunch of people gathered around outside and that the police were there talking to some of them. Brian looked in the crowd for Michael and when he didn't see him, he looked for someone else that he knew. 

"Hey, man, what happened here?" Brian asked a guy that he saw regularly at Babylon and Woody's and had danced with a few times.

"Oh shit... Brian..." The guy pushed his hand through his hair. "You have to go to the hospital. They took Michael in. Debbie is with him."

"What happened?" Brian began to panic.

"He walked in front of a bus." The man was shaking his head and looked really worried. "He didn't look good when they took him away in the ambulance."

"Shit." Brian took off without another word and hopped into the Jeep. He reminded himself to stay calm long enough to get to the hospital. As he wove through the busy streets of Pittsburgh, he cursed himself for being late. "Fuck. Mikey, you have to be okay." He almost screamed as he sped up to the hospital and parked illegally.

As he ran inside, he bit back the irrational tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. When he got to the emergency room desk he tried to calm himself a bit as he said. "Michael Novotny."

"Are you family?" The nurse behind the desk asked. She had a look of worry on her face and sadness in her voice as she asked.

"I'm his brother." Brian said without even thinking about it. Michael WAS like a brother to him.

"Down the hall. Your mother is here…” The lines of sadness on the woman’s face deepened and Brian began to panic once again. Brian hurried through the doors to the corridor the nurse was talking about. He saw Deb sitting in a chair with her head in her hands. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Deb." He said quietly, placing a hand on her shoulder. Hearing his voice, she stood and threw herself into his arms. 

"Brian! My baby is gone!" She got out in between her sobs. Brian held onto her, completely stunned. He couldn't believe that Michael was gone. How could it be?

Brian stood there, with a hysterical Debbie Novotny in his arms and tried to process what was happening. He half expected to turn and see his friend walk through the double doors at the entry to the corridor with a grin on his face. But he didn’t. 

When Vic arrived and took over holding Deb as she cried, Brian walked back down the hall, through the double doors and outside. As soon as the cool fresh air hit his face, the tears that he had been holding back began to fall. Soon, he was sitting on the steps with his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

And then it was like he went back in time. And he was sitting in the same corridor where he had just held Debbie, but Mikey was there with him, holding him while he cried over the only other man that he loved. And Brian started to wonder why Michael couldn’t have just held on. Like Justin did. Because he wasn’t sure that he could live without either of them. He could count on one hand the people who meant the world to him. Justin, Michael, Gus, and Lindsay. Brian looked down at his hand and bent one of his fingers down. And the tears started to flow even harder than before. And he wondered if he would make it through without his best friend…


	5. Chapter 5

Justin POV

 

I can’t help but wonder if there really is a god… Only a higher power could have made today as fitting for a funeral as it is. It’s going to rain, I can smell it. The sky is overcast and the wind is blowing slightly. 

I came here today with my mom, I think she came mostly for Deb’s sake. I wish I could have come with Brian, I know how much he’s hurting. He didn’t ask me to come with him though. He has barely said two words to me since the accident. I think he blames himself for being late. Or maybe he blames me.

When he came back to the loft the other night, he looked like something the cat dragged in. His eyes were puffy and all red. When I asked him what was wrong, he just shook his head and walked into the bedroom. He wouldn’t let me near him all night. Actually, now that I think about it, he hasn’t touched me at all since before the accident. I want so badly to help, but I just don’t know what to do.

My mom just touched my arm gently and then walked over to Deb who had one hand in Brian’s and one hand in Vic’s. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a month, she isn’t even wearing her wig.

I must admit, I’m surprised at how many people showed up to the funeral. I didn’t know Michael had so many friends. I guess that’s because I tried to ignore Michael as much as possible. He did try, on several occasions, to make my life hell. He was so sneaky, pretending to be my friend and telling me bad things about Brian, things that in the end probably ruined our relationship. 

I will miss him though. When he wasn’t trying to destroy my relationship with Brian, we had a good time and he was sort of like a big brother. I brought him an issue of Rage, I thought I’d be sneaky and slip it into the casket with him. I think he would have liked that.

***

Emmett POV

I’m still in shock at what happened. I mean, who would think that something like that could happen to our dear sweet Michael. Sure, he tended towards being whiney and annoying at times, but all in all he was a pretty good guy. He was my roommate. I don’t know if I can live there anymore, too many memories.

Deb looks like Hell. Brian is over there, it’s like he’s protecting her. When I talked to Justin earlier, he said that he thinks Brian blames himself. As sad as I am about Michael, I can’t help but be scared for Brian. People think I’m self centered and that I don’t know things about other people. But I do.

The one thing I know better than anything about Brian is that he’s scared and he’s self-conscious. And now, if he thinks it’s his fault that his best friend is going into the ground today, I’m terrified of him doing something really self-destructive. Like he always does when he’s hurting. And he’s damn sure hurting now. I can see it in his eyes.

And then there’s Deb. She was prepared to lose Vic, she’s been prepared to lose him for quite a while now. But I think that’s because she always thought that she’d have Michael there to help her get through it. 

I don’t know what she’ll do now. 

I guess I should take a look at him. I hope they made him look lovely. Debbie wasn’t going to have a viewing until someone said they’d like to see him one last time, they’d like to see him peaceful. I brought Michael a little something to sustain him when he heads up to that great big gay disco in the sky. 

I can’t believe how they made him look… It’s like he’s alive. I almost wish that he actually looked dead. It might be easier to let him go if he looked dead. I’m such a queen, clutching my pearls and blubbering like a baby. 

“Well, Michael, I hope you know how many people are here to see you and how many people love you. I brought you a little something to get by with.” I look down at the silk scarf in my hand. “No lady can live without a pretty scarf. I’m going to miss you, honey.” And then, when I can’t take it anymore, I see Ted and I make my way over to him. I know that he’s hurting. He loved Michael for so long.

***

Lindsay POV

There are so many people here. Attractive men by the dozens are making their way up to the casket to take a look at Michael. I can’t believe how many of them are crying. I never knew that Michael had so many friends. It doesn’t surprise me, he was always so sweet. Gus is squirming in my arms and wanting to go see his daddy, but I’m not sure now is the time.

Brian is standing with Deb, holding her hand, and he looks completely lost. I wonder where Justin is and then I see him standing alone in the corner, gazing at Brian with a worried look on his face. That concerns me. Justin should be comforting him. But if I know Brian, and I do, he’s probably been pushing everyone away, determined to deal with it on his own. It was the same way when Justin was bashed.

“Linds,” Mel says to me quietly, “Maybe we should take the bear over there. We have to slip it in there when no one is looking.”

I nod and we take Gus over to the casket with us. “Uncoo Micheww!” He shouts, seeing Michael’s face and wanting to touch him. When I start to cry, Melanie takes our son outside to try and quiet him down and to give me a minute to say my own goodbyes to Michael.

“I brought you a little something,” I say, my voice cracking as I try to calm my crying. “It was Gus’s when he was a baby. Do you remember? You gave it to him. It was always his favorite. It helped him sleep. I thought that if I left it with you, it might help you sleep too.” And with that, I can’t take seeing him there, looking as though he’s asleep, so I slip the small brown bear into the casket and walk away.

***

Ted POV

Emmett has finally calmed himself enough that he’s ready to go over and talk to Debbie, so I take my chance to walk over to the casket and to see my dear friend for the last time. He looks so peaceful, and I think of all the times he made me smile and made me feel good about myself. I’m going to miss him immensely. 

Looking around, seeing all the people that are here for the service, I know that I’m certainly not the only one who’s going to miss him. It seems that Michael had a lot of friends that he probably didn’t even know he had. Sure, Brian was the Fuck King of Babylon, but Michael was everyone’s friend.

Debbie is really hurting. And so is Ben. He’s not here yet and I wonder if people have forgotten about him. I liked Ben. Even though I was scared to see Michael dating him at first, I think it was the best thing that ever happened to Michael. And I know that Ben was happy when he was with Michael too. Isn’t it ironic that it was the shadow on Ben’s impending demise that loomed over their relationship, and Michael’s death is what separated them in the end?

I think back to what I was doing when I got the call that Michael had been rushed to the hospital. I was sitting in the Jerkatwork office trying to figure out some numbers. As soon as the call came in, I ran to my car and sped off towards the hospital. I didn’t make it. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, my phone rang. Michael was gone. I didn’t even go inside, I just collapsed onto my steering wheel and fell apart. 

Now, maybe this is insensitive of me, but I thought I would bring a little something to slip into Michael’s casket for him to take with him wherever it is that he’s off to next, ‘cause I know this isn’t it for him. I brought him one of the dildos I got for my 33rd birthday and a little tube of KY. I know, I know, it’s not the kind of thing that people do at funerals, but I think Michael would have gotten a kick out of it. Damn, I’m going to miss him.

***

Ben POV

I don’t know if I want to go in. I know that I always talk about not being scared of death. I’m ready for it, I really am. It took me a long time, but I somehow became resigned to it. What I wasn’t ready for was to lose Michael. I didn’t see it coming. 

When I first found out, I wanted so badly to blame Brian. If he hadn’t been late, it wouldn’t have happened. But then I started thinking and I guess I got over the need to blame someone and realized that everything happens for a reason. However, I had to resist the urge to do something to put myself in the ground next to Michael. 

I didn’t do it. I know that my time is coming soon enough.

I know I should be inside, everyone must be wondering about my absence, but I can’t make myself climb out of this car and walk inside. As soon as Michael’s funeral is over, I’m afraid that it’s really going to hit me. I don’t know if it’s really sunk in that when I go home tonight, Michael won’t be waiting for me with a goofy grin on his face.

I can’t imagine how Debbie feels right now. She must be torn apart. I haven’t played the part of Michael’s lover very well. I should be with his family, comforting his mother. Instead I’ve hidden myself in my apartment for days and now I’m hiding in the car, afraid to face what has happened.

So I drag myself out of the car, and force myself to stop being so selfish. I have something to leave with him, something I want him to take with him wherever he ends up going in his afterlife. I know that there’s something out there for him because he has one of the brightest souls and best hearts.

As I open the door, I see that the place is packed. Obviously Michael was a lot more popular than he, or any of the rest of us, knew. I can’t believe that there are so many people here to mourn Michael. It seems so unreal. Have I walked into the wrong funeral?

Nope. There’s Deb.

Or, at least, I think its Deb. She looks horrible. The red wig that she always wears is noticeably absent and she doesn’t seem to care. Brian and Vic are each holding one of her hands and Emmett is trying to get her to drink some tea.

Wow, they are such a family. 

At the front of the room I see the casket. And it’s open. 

“Well, Bruckner, now’s the time.” I say to myself quietly as I take a deep breath and rub my thumb over the charm that I’m holding in my hand. I want Michael to have it forever. It’s an Chinese symbol fashioned out of pewter. It means serenity. I want him to have peace.

He looks dead. Most people would say he looks like he’s sleeping. But he doesn’t. When he’s asleep he smiles. Always. That’s one of the things I really miss, sleeping next to him and watching him smile. 

“I love you.” I say and turn away. I don’t want to remember him like that. I want to remember him smiling. 

***

Debbie POV

I have to go over there. I know I do. The service is about to start and they’re going to close the casket. I have to see him one last time. I don’t want my final memory of him to be him lying unconscious on a stretcher soaked in his own blood. I couldn’t live with that. 

I know I look like a wreck. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. 

Brian looks horrible too. But he’s here by my side every minute and I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me. Brian agreed to do the eulogy, even though we both know that it’s going to damn near kill him. 

I see the priest and I know that I have to go up there and see my son one last time. I pat Brian’s hand gently and nod to Vic before taking myself over to casket and looking inside. My baby looks so small against the white satin in the beautiful casket. And he looks so peaceful. 

Looking around quickly to make sure no one sees, I slip my hand into my pocket and pull out the token I’m going to leave with my son forever. I look down at it one last time before slipping it into the pocket of his suit jacket. 

“I know he wasn’t really your father, but this purple heart is for you. You were the bravest kid I ever met. So I want you to take this with you, wherever it is you’re going. And remember your ma, and know that I love you.” And that’s all the words I can get out before I break down and back away from the casket. 

As the service begins, I look around at all the people who are here to mourn my son. There are so many. I recognize most of them from around the diner. I never knew that so many of them were friends with Michael, but I guess they were.

Melanie and Lindsay are sitting towards the back with Gus, who apparently wants to go up and see his Uncle Mike. I feel a twinge in my heart, hoping that as he gets older, Gus still remembers Michael.

Sunshine and Jennifer are sitting towards the back also. I know Sunshine wants to help Brian in some way, but I also know that Brian is keeping the younger man at an arms length. I’m worried about the both of them.

Ted and Emmett are both sitting at the front. Ted is holding Emmett who is crying uncontrollably. I knew that it would hit really hard with those two. They were so close with Michael. 

Ben in sitting alone in the front row, looking down at his hands. I know he’s hurting because he loved my son so very much. I walk over to him and sit down next to him, taking his hand. When he looks up and our eyes meet, we both know that there are no words necessary. We’re there for each other.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up into a pair of brown eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time. “David?”

“Hi, Debbie.” David leans down and kisses my cheek. “I flew down here as soon as I heard. I’m so sorry to hear about Michael.”

“Thank you, David.” I glance at Ben, who is looking at David somewhat angrily as if to say “How dare you be here!”

“Well, I’ll go sit down.” David nods and glances at Ben before walking away and sitting a few seats back.

For the beginning of the service, I have trouble concentrating on what’s being said. It’s all about how Michael is in a better place and such. But when the priest says Brian’s name, I turn my attention on full. I know that Brian is going to make me cry buckets, but I need to hear what he has to say. As he begins to speak, I pull a tissue from my purse.

“Michael was my best friend for more that fifteen years. He was the person that I could count on no matter what was happening in our lives. I know that everyone who knew him, knew that if they were in need of something, they didn’t even have to ask. Michael was always eager to help those he cared about.

“Sometimes I wonder where the time went. I can remember him copying my Science homework and us rough housing on the way home from school. “ Brian has to pause in order to not fall apart and I take that moment to reflect on what he is saying. “It seems like so much has changed in our lives, but so much has stayed the same. He was still always there for me and that meant more than anything to me.

“Even though Michael had things in his life that he had to overcome, and things that he had to deal with, in the last year before his death he had everything he ever wanted. He had a wonderful man, whom he loved very, very much, he had his own comic book store, and he was publishing his very own comic. He had a solid group of family and friends who loved him, and will always love him.

“My favorite memories of Michael are of us just hanging out, and messing around. Michael was a great guy to do that with.” I watch as a small smile spreads across Brian’s lips, but he got right back down to business. “But I want to keep this short and sweet, like Mikey, so all I’m going to say is that Michael was the best person I’ve ever met and I’m going to miss him more than words can ever explain.”

And I feel like Brian said it all. And somehow, I feel a little bit more peaceful.

***

Brian POV

I’m struggling to keep my cool. I refuse to let myself fall apart in front of basically the entire gay community of Pittsburgh. I could have stood up there for an hour talking about my best friend. I feel like there was more I could have said, but for some reason, I felt like what I said was enough. 

I had asked the priest to leave the casket open until I was done. I wanted to slip something in there with Michael and knew that the best time to do it would be right after my speech.

“Bye Mikey.” I say quietly as I slip the cowry shell bracelet from my wrist to gently lay over his. I notice that there are a few other tokens peeking out at my from the casket and realize that some of our other friends had things to leave Mikey with too. “We all love you.”

And I know it’s true. Everyone in this room loved Mikey in some way or another. And everyone is going to miss him. And for some reason, that makes the ache in the pit of my stomach even worse. Because I know it’s my fault. 

The rest of the service goes by quickly, I don’t really pay attention. Occasionally, I glance back at Justin. He’s sitting with his mother, but he’s always watching me with a furrowed brow and worry-filled eyes. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t go near him, because I can’t let him see me like this. I know he wants to help, but there’s nothing he can do.

There’s nothing anyone can do.

My best friend is dead.

And I’m the one to blame.


End file.
